Kingdom Hearts: Q&A For the Curious Fans
by Dubya the Destroyer
Summary: On hiatus, due to lack of desired reviews. We need at least three reviews, each one containing at least two questions in order to continue writing. Please review so that we can continue this hilarious story! Thanks!
1. The First Batch

Disclaimer: The characters of and any other references to Kingdom Hearts, SquareEnix, or Disney are not my ideas. Just so you know that.

Good day. This is my first story on the website, so please do not criticize me. The premise of this story is a Q&A with the characters of the Kingdom Hearts series for the first time. Unfortunately, the only three willing subjects were Sora, Goofy, and Xemnas. SO, by means of force, we managed to ALSO get Xaldin, Roxas, Ansem the Wise, Riku, and Sephiroth. Our methods are none of your business, so any one who asks any questions will be…taken…care of. It's up to you, readers, through your reviews, to ask a chosen character(s) any question your heart desires. So, may the questioning begin!

**Sora: **So, Goofy, are you sure you can do this?

**Goofy: **while inhaling in a paper bag Of course! What do you think I am shtupid?

**Xemnas: **…Indeed.

**Goofy: **Hey, I am not a idjumamit!

**Xemnas: **…Of…course you are not. I am merely stating that your IQ is similar to that of the current president of the United States, which is, regrettably…err…

**Sora: **Pathetic? Down in the dumps? Laughable? Unbelievably low?

**Xemnas: **Well, my word of choice would be "horrendous" but yes, that as well.

**Goofy: **with noticeable sparks emanating from his head Um…OK.

**Ansem: **This is unforgivable! Release me from this hellhole of a studio at once! Do you know who I am? I am-

**Riku: **A friggin' asshole?

**Xaldin: **Ooohhhhh, diss!

**Roxas: **You want some ointment for that BURN?! (all laugh, except Ansem)

**Sephiroth: **...

**Goofy: **Whatsa matter, Sephiroth? Cat gotcher tongue?

**Riku: **You haven't said a word. **Skulldevil** _**(well duh, he's Sephiroth. he's probably thinking about Cloud, his ex.)**_ SHUT UP, let me finish!

**Sephiroth: **………..

**Sora: **…OK…what's that all about? Who are you talking to?

**Riku: **Oh, just Skulldevil, the voice who controls my life via my brain. (Pause, everybody backs away from Riku)…What? _**(they think your crazy, you friggin nut job.)**_

Hey, I'm not a nut job, you whore! _**(…….. do I have to remind you about your problem? I can talk to other people, you know.)**_

**Sephiroth:** ………….

**Xaldin: **Xemnas, can I PLEEEAAASEE kill him?!

**Xemnas: **No, it would ruin the plot. Besides, the Destroyer would be upset with us…

**Axel: **(randomly opens door) Hey, is Roxas here?

**Roxas: **(horrified, leaps behind Sora) whispers _I'm not here…_

**Sora: **Why, Roxas?

**Axel: **(releases a girly squeal, runs over to Sora and kicks him aside) ROXAS! Oh, my love! I've found you at long last!

**Riku: **…I knew there was a good reason I didn't like this guy…_**(I always knew you had weird friends, but gay? eh, whatever. so, when you gonna tell Sora?) **_SHHH! No one knows about that yet! You better not tell him, or I swear-_**(swear you'll what? I'm a disembodied voice, you Brockton!)**_…Brockton?_**(……… don't ask.)**_OOOOK…

**Xemnas: **…I'm surrounded by idiots…

**Sephiroth: **The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout…down came the rain and SENT THE EIGHT-LEGGED BASTARD TO THE SEVENTH CIRCLE OF HELL, WHERE IT BELONGS!!! AAAAAAAHHHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

**Everyone else: **…WTF?!

**Dubya: **…Sorry. We're ready for your questions now. Please allow up to three days before responses, as the characters seem a little…preoccupied. And remember: for responses, you need to review! Remember, if you don't review, I will send Skulldevil after you, and he shall terrorize your mind for ETERRRRNITYYYYYY…….._**(damn straight!!!)**_


	2. The Answers, Round 1

Disclaimer: Any characters of and references to Kingdom Hearts, SquareEnix, or Disney are not my creation or ideas. For the privacy of questioners, names shall not be mentioned in the story unless permission is granted.

**Dubya: **Firstly, I would like to thank our first questioner! The person asked a three part question addressed to Sora, Roxas, and Axel. So, Roxas, we'll start with you. Unless you weren't paying attention (which wouldn't come as a surprise), then you will know what the question is already, but for our readers who don't know, the question for Roxas was:

"Are you and Axel friends, or more than just friends?"

**Roxas: **(gulps)…well, uh…that's an, uh, interesting question…er…well, he's kind of a-a really close friend, y'know? Like a-a brother type of thing. Yeah, yeah, a brother.

**Axel: **He's just saying that, he knows that deep inside he loves me…

**Roxas: **What?! No, no, it's not true-

**Dubya: **That will do, um…"gentleman". So, Sora, the next question is addressed to you. It's a question that requires two answers. The question is:

"How do you feel about the amount of stories that pair you and Roxas as a couple? You and Riku?"

**Sora: **Well, I've never really been the kinda guy to really take that stuff so personally. I mean really, why should I? After all, technically, Roxas IS me. He's a PART of me. How could I possibly care about the jokes people make? On the subject of Riku, he and I have been best friends since we were five years old. We always hear jokes and stuff like that. Although, I must say, after a while it gets really annoying. I mean, we know they're just having a laugh, but I mean, c'mon. How funny do you think it would be if people kept repeatedly pairing you up in stories with your best friend, or alter ego? It really is bugging me lately. Right, Riku?

**Riku: **…

**Sora: **…Riku?

**Riku: **…What? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah right! Ha-ha, what a load of hokey…I mean, really, me, having a secret attraction to Sora since I first met him? Who's ever going to believe that? Ha-ha, yeah, it's never going to happen…

**Sora: **…Um, OK, we get it.

**Dubya: **…Well! Sorry for the delay, readers. Anyway the last question is addressed to you Axel-Axel? Axel, are you listening to a word I'm saying?

**Axel: **(staring dreamily at Roxas, who's slowly inching a way uncomfortably) Huh? Whuh?

**Dubya: **AXEL!!

**Axel: **What? Oh, sorry (snaps back, listens) OK, I'm ready.

**Dubya: **THANK you! Now, the question asked to you is:

"How much gel do you have to use to get your hair to stay that way?"

**Axel: **That's a really good question. Well, I actually use three medium-sized tubes of gel in my hair, and then spray it with an entire can and a half of hairspray. When I wash it (because I do, you know) I use a body-lifting shampoo-conditioner combination. And in case you were wondering, my natural hair color is actually dirty blonde, I just thought the red would go better with the black, and with my fire-based spells. It's a very pretty shade of red…

**Dubya: **Thank you, Axel, Sora, and Roxas for your answers, and thank you to the questioner. These characters will be accepting questions for the next 7 days. Watch for the next batch of characters in ten to twelve days. Until then ask away!


	3. Riveting Just Riveting

Disclaimer: as mentioned in chapters one and two. Nothing new…

**Dubya: **Welcome back to the KH Q&A! We apologize for the delay; due to heated arguments (and other things…) we had to repair much of the set. So this will be a fairly long chapter. We will ask each character their questions individually, starting with Sephiroth. How are you today, Sephy?

**Sephiroth:** Oh, just peachy, thanks…

**Dubya: **…Well, then. Anyway, your first question is-

**Sephiroth: **Wait – I have more than one question? YAY! I'm POPULAR!!

**Dubya: **…uh-huh. Oh, and my accomplice skulldevil has given you a cookie.

**Sephiroth: **… O.O

**Dubya: **Alright, so, your first question is: Is/was/ or will there ever be anything between you and Cloud?

**Sephiroth: **…Well. That is a very interesting question…um…do you see this ring? We…uh…just celebrated our 6th anniversary last week. But, um…we…have troubles. You might have caught us on _Jerry Springer_ last year, in April. 

**Riku: **Dude! You're gay? That's so...gross! _**(Skulldevil: umm, wasn't it obvious? I mean, hair products, the teddy bear, the picture of cloud? Plus, you shouldn't comment riku. Remember the discovery you made in Vegas) **_Hey! What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! Besides, that isn't any of their business…

**Dubya: **…I love this show…_** (Me, too.) **_Anyway, your next question is: are you gay? Or do you really just wanna kill cloud? I mean, you'd think you'd realize the game programmers aren't gonna let you win. So why go after him so many times?

**Sephiroth: **Damn it, man, we just went through this! YES, I'm gay! YES, I'm married to cloud, and YES I BABYSAT YUFFIE AND VINCENT'S CHILDREN!!!...um, forget that last part…

**Dubya: **…You learn something new everyday. Alright, thank you for this…enlightenment. The next questions are for Sora. How are you today?

**Sora: **OK…as far as being a horny little teen with angst and a bad hair day goes…

**Dubya: **… (TMI…) _**(Indeed.) **_So, your first question is: dude, you have a giant key, you hang with oversized animals, and you have comically enlarged gloves. Have you thought of getting away from Disney?

**Sora: **Well, it depends…are you a member of Disney? _**(No.)**_ OK…they're holding me here against my will. They kidnapped me to do little experiments on my brain. The result? I use a key as if it's a sword; I hang out with a duck and a biped dog, and I am going out with the executive producer's daughter Kairi. Does this sound like an intriguing life to you? Do you know what this job pays? Not a goddamn penny.

**Dubya: **Calm down, calm down, it's OK. Besides, you actually belong to SquareEnix anyways. Your second question is: How far would you be willing to go to get the square guys to give you a scene in the next game where you do the nasty with Kairi, Also who would you rather do more Kairi, Namine, Yuffie, Aerith, Or Tifa?

**Sora: **Well. I will be completely honest with you: they almost put a scene with Kairi in the last one, but it got cut when Disney reminded them that the game was rated E10+. To your second question, I like to experiment. Since I've already done Kairi, I'd like to try something new. I've always been a fan of the blondes, and Namine is pretty hot…Yuffie is…well…too creepy for me. Aerith is a suicidal, so she would probably kill herself fifteen minutes into the action…Tifa, though…she's a piece of work. So I'd have to say those three…

**Dubya: **...intriguing. Thanks for the details, now shut up and don't show your pathetic excuse for a face to me again for the next five minutes. Now, our next questions are directed towards Goofy. Oh, and here's some cake from skulldevil.

**Goofy: **….sssskkuuuulllldeeevviiiillll….yyyyooouuu'rree mmyyy neewww beeesssttt frrriiieeenndddd….

**Dubya: **I bet that makes him feel special._**( yea, but not in a good way. … I wonder, is goofy on crack?)**_ I wouldn't bet against it my friend. Anyway, your first question Goofy, is: you're a dog…right?

**Goofy: **……uuuuuhhhhh…..idunno….

**Dubya: **…Riveting. Just riveting. So your second question is: do you know where Donald is right now? Because I told Dubya to get him, but he didn't show.

**Goofy: **Well, you see…let's just say…he and Daisy have, as they say, "kissed and made up", if ya know what I mean…

**Dubya: **Do we though…unfortunately, yes. Our next question is for Xemnas. Oh, and skulldevil says that you rock.

**Xemnas: **Finally, someone who agrees with me…

**Dubya: **Right. Anyway, your question is: did you ever realize that if you rearrange the letters in your name it spells Mansex?

**Xemnas: **Really now? Huh. No, I never did realize that. Let me see…(pulls out pad and paper, rights down name, eyes widen) Holy hell! It really does work! That's amazing!

**Dubya: **And I'm scared now! _**(hold me.) **_Ah, no. Anyways, our next question is for Ansem. As in Xenohort, not Ansem the Wise. So Xenohort, you're………. not here. Where is Xenohort? I told you to lock the doors...I'm sorry to our questioner, but we will have to wait for Xenohort's return. So, we move onto Axel. Axel, your first question is: shouldn't you have some feelings for Sora since Roxas is actually Sora...Kind of...

**Axel: **No, because Sora isn't as handsome, sensitive, or…homosexual…as Roxas. Roxas is the one I love, and no alter identity can change that.

**Dubya: **I'm touched. _**(I'm touched, and need to barf.)**_ I concur. So your next question is: have you ever burned yourself?

**Axel:** Are you kiddin' me? I'm a hunk'a hunk'a burnin' love, baby! …yes, I have… that's how I got the scars around my eyes…

**Dubya: **Isn't that a cryin' shame…Your final question is, well, actually is a dare. You have been dared to go into a closet with Roxas and do whatever you want-

**Axel: **Girly squeal of delight

**Dubya: **-EXCEPT what you want to do.

**Axel: **dismayed Well, that just took all of the joy out of it…Roxas, get over here! Makeout-session time!

**Roxas: **…help me…

**Dubya: **Have fun, you two. Actually, before you go, Roxas, here are your questions. Your first question is: are you sad that you are not your own person?

**Roxas: **At first I was, but then I realized that Sora's girlfriend was freakin' sexy, so I stopped worrying after that…and besides, it was a double-hitter, because Namine was her inner person as well. GANGBANG!!!

**Dubya: **…Has anyone ever told you that you have SERIOUS IMPULSE CONTROL PROBLEMS?!?!?! _**(I have, on multiple occasions. Every day.) **_Uh-huh. Well, your second question is: how do you feel about going into the closet with Axel?

**Roxas: **Well, it's better than coming out of the closet…we'll see when we get back.

**Dubya: **You two have fun. Now, our next questions are for you, Xaldin.

**Xaldin: **FIN-ally! Alright, ask away!

**Dubya: **OK, you're first question is: do you ever shave?

**Xaldin: **As a matter of fact, I do. That's how I get my facial hair to look like that. And when I'm feeling REALLY ambitious, I start to-

**Dubya: **OOOOOKKK! That'll do! You're next question is: why are you all serious in the game, but you have dreadlocks? Don't happy, carefree people have those?

**Xaldin: **Serious? Huh. I was just tired that day. You don't know how hard it is slaughtering, torturing, and working for Pippi Wrongstocking over here…

**Xemnas: **What did you just call me?!

**Xaldin: **Sorry, Mansex – I mean, Sexman, I MEAN-

**Xemnas: **_AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!_ (blasts Xaldin's hair off)

**Xaldin: **NOOOOO!!!! NOT THE LOCKS!!!!

PLEASE HOLD. TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, AS WELL AS A XALDIN-STYLE ASS-KICKING

**Xemnas: **...ooooowwww…..

**Xaldin: **(panting) You're mine, bitch.

**Dubya: **We're sorry for the interruption. We were just too entertained to stop it. Anyway, Ansem the Wise, skulldevil has a dare for you.

**Ansem: **Very well.

**Dubya: **He dares you to eat poison ivy. Oh, and he doesn't like you.

**Ansem: **Very well. (takes ivy, eats it, belches. pause, then, hand to mouth, runs to bathroom. doesn't return, but repeated retching sounds are heard.)

**Dubya: **That's pleasant. Anyway, our final questions are for you Riku. (at that moment, Axel and Roxas emerge from the closet. Roxas has a hickey on his neck, and a look of mixed shock and pleasure on his face. Axel looks dazed with satisfaction.) …um, I will not ask.

**Roxas: **Well, my answer to my previous question is…wow. That's all I can say. Wow.

**Dubya: **Me, too. Wow. Anyways, your first question, Riku is: did you ever get molested by Xenohort?

**Riku: **…he told me he'd kill me if I told anyone…

**Dubya: **Well, then you just signed your life away, congratulations. Next question. The questioner has a friend that adores you, can you give them your number so that they can give it to her?

**Riku: **Sure. It's (508)-867-5309. _**(no its not. it's 1-781-396-mofo.) **_SHUT UP!!!

**Dubya: **OK, your next question is a dare. From the voice that controls your life, skulldevil. The dare is: he dares you to choose one of your two big secrets and say it out loud. You get to choose.

**Riku: **…I hate you…anyways…hm. My biggest secret…well…I was…sort of…castrated…by my mom…when I was two.

**Everybody: **…………..AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!

**Riku: **What?! Xaldin was, too!

**Xaldin: **gasp how DARE you! (…how'd you find out?)

**Dubya: **…Befuddling. Anyway…wait, there's another question here. It is directed to everybody EXCEPT Sora and Riku. It says: Who would you rather make out with, Sora or Riku?

**Sephiroth, Xemnas, Ansem, Sora: **RIKU!!!!

**Goofy, Xaldin, Axel, Riku, Sora, Roxas: **SORA!!!!

**Dubya:** …Sora, you answered twice.

**Sora: **I know! They're both just so damn good lookin'!

**Dubya: **And Roxas, technically, you are part of Sora! How are you supposed to make out with him?

**Roxas: **That's the point. I'd rather not make out with either of them, so since I am incapable of making out with Sora, I just said him.

**Dubya: **Whatever. Well, this has been another…revealing look into the sad, pathetic personal lives of some of the KH cast. Send us more questions by clicking the little "review" link at the bottom of the page, and we will answer ASAP! Remember: no comments, no questions, and you will have no concerns. Until next time, good luck!

**Xemnas: **And GOOD RIDDANCE!!!

**Skulldevil: **_**and now, for notes. First off, we will have a voting next chapter. It's to decide the next person to come into the interview room. Second, you get to vote on weather Sora and riku are right for each other. Knowing this site, they are. Finally, I now announce a new cellmate for the prisoners!**_

**Riku: **Of course we're right- I mean, no that will never happen!

**Dubya: **Drum roll, please!!

**Skulldevil: **_**and the new dead man is……………… Saïx! Congrats! Xemnas is your roomy, here are the keys. Get going.**_

**Saïx: **Hey, pretty lady!

**Xemnas: **…I am a man.

**Saïx: **I know, I'm just screwin' with ya! Like I will be soon….

**Dubya: **THIS looks like a good place to wrap up! Until next time, folks! _**And remember, review!**_


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